


in which burgers appear prominently

by tvheads



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Divergent, i had no idea how to spell the mall cow's name so we're going with kaltonecker, i stayed up until midnight for this, idk how to write guys, sorry for any ooc behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 15:26:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9447464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tvheads/pseuds/tvheads
Summary: What happened to Kaltonecker after Space Mall? We still don't know. But we can sure as heck guess.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is essentially a well-written shitpost that was created by the mind of a child at like 11 at night
> 
> (EDIT: so kaltonecker's alive! so this entire story is officially canon divergent. just a heads up)

Pidge had been very excited to play the game she'd bought. Naturally, she only realized that the castle didn't have a plug for the console after the purchase. After lots of moaning and groaning, Keith irritably suggested she just build a plug. Pidge, just as irritably, explained that the castle simply wasn't designed for plugs. Too advanced. So Keith snapped at her to build a new console to support the game. Pidge exclaimed that he was a genius, insulted him just to make sure he didn't let it go to his head, then got sent outside by Shiro. Hunk followed her, and they started towards their workshop.  
"I can't believe I never thought of this before!" Pidge said excitedly, moving her hands wildly as she talked. "I kind of feel stupid, but whatever. That's unimportant. We're gonna build the Punk 2000!"  
"Punk 2000?" Hunk asked.  
"Sure. Blend of 'Hunk' and 'Pidge.' With a side of sci-fi-ness," Pidge explained. "We're not actually calling it that, by the way. Just a working title."  
"Uhuh. Okay. So," Hunk said. "Any idea of how we start?"  
They approached the workshop and the door opened automatically.  
"Of course!" Pidge shot to her computer. "Let's get this show on the road, shall we?"

\---

"I never really caught how exactly you and Pidge found a cow," Shiro said. "Mind elaborating?"  
"Elaborating is my middle name," Lance grinned.  
"Don't you mean elaborate?" Keith muttered.  
"Shut up, Keith, no one asked you."  
"Hey," Shiro cautioned.  
Lance humphed. "Well, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was going to say that we found a shop selling Earth stuff at the Space Mall!"  
"Swap meet," Coran muttered to himself.  
"Ahem." Lance cleared his throat obnoxiously. "As I was saying, the guy there was selling Earth stuff. He had that game Pidge and I got and she wanted it super badly. So we scraped up the money."  
"Where did you find it?" Shiro questioned.  
"The fountains," Lance replied. "A lot like the ones back on Earth. Plenty of gak. Anyway, we bought the game and with it came a free Kaltonecker!"  
"Cow?" Keith said, after a moment.  
"Kaltonecker, Keith."  
"… cow."  
"His name is Kaltonecker."  
"Actually, isn't it the females that have udders?" the red paladin wondered.  
"Oh, who cares? Cows don't have feelings."  
"Cows?" Hunk said. Everyone looked to the entrance as the techies came in, Pidge carrying a small metal box as well as two smaller squares with buttons and joysticks—controllers, Lance assumed—and Hunk a bunch of wires coming from the box and the game. "I like cows. They taste good with tomatoes and bread."  
"Hamburgers," Pidge said thoughtfully.  
"Exactly," Hunk agreed.  
"Excuse me, but we are not eating Kaltonecker." Lance looked offended by the very notion.  
"Why not?" Shiro said. "I'm sure we're all hungry for Earth food and I know Hunk can probably make some excellent burgers."  
"Aw, thanks, Shiro," the yellow paladin smiled.  
"Valid point, BUT," Lance countered. "This is a living, sentient creature that saved our lives with his hoverboard or whatever it is."  
"Her," Keith corrected, and Lance glared at him.  
"Uh, Lance," Hunk cleared his throat. "Just saying, but… you love burgers. Are you sure you didn't hit your head that hard?"  
"Yeah, I'm sure. Hey, Coran, what do you think we should do? Slay this beautiful beast and eat it or keep him—shut up, Keith, Kaltonecker's a him—keep him as company?"  
"Well, um, in the long run, wouldn't a Kaltonecker be a bit… what's the word… time-consuming? I think we should be aware that we may not be able to keep him for the long run. Eating him, however, would provide sustenance and… yeah, we should probably eat him."  
"Oh, come ON," Lance stomped his foot. "Princess, you've got to be with me on this, right?"  
Allura looked very amused by the whole conversation. She laughed at this question. "Maybe. I would like a taste of Earth food, though."  
Lance looked like his heart had been shattered into a million pieces.  
"Oh, how about a vote?" The princess beamed when everyone nodded or shrugged their agreement. "Who says we eat Kaltonecker?" Everyone but the blue paladin raised their hands.  
"Majority rules, Lance," Pidge smirked. "Burgers for dinner."  
Lance, to everyone's surprise, grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "Eh, I don't really care. Burgers are great, Kaltonecker's great, Kaltonecker's tasty, Hunk's a great cook. Plus, I already sort of wanted to eat him anyway. Just felt like I ought to stick to my argument."  
"Not always good being stubborn, Lance," Shiro nudged him slightly. "Could get you in trouble."  
Lance snorted. "Me? In trouble? Nah, you got the wrong guy."  
Keith rolled his eyes, which caused Lance to give an annoyed "Hey!"

\---

Keith was actually the one chosen to kill Kaltonecker, and did so quickly and efficiently, then joined Pidge as she demonstrated her and Hunk's game system as the latter cooked with Coran.  
"We actually didn't have a name for it, but I'm thinking the Kaltonecker, eh?" Pidge nudged Lance who chuckled.  
"Sure, why not?"  
"Dinnertime!" Coran sang, and ushered them to the dining hall. Hunk and Allura carried the burgers out on two platters, and Coran distributed them.  
"I can't believe my friend is so delicious," Lance said between bites.  
"This is amazing!" Pidge grinned.  
"Chew with your mouth closed," Keith told her. She promptly stuck her food-covered tongue out at him.  
Allura smiled. "Burgers are fantastic. Thank you, Hunk. And I suppose I should also thank Pidge and Lance for getting us Kaltonecker."  
"Coran? What do you think?" Hunk asked the ginger Altean after thanking the princess for her praise.  
"It's… good," Coran said.  
"You hesitated," Hunk said worriedly.  
"No, no, it's fine, I guess I'm just used to Altean gunk."  
"Oh."  
Suddenly, Pidge made a noise and ran out of the room. She returned soon after, cradling the Kaltonecker system close to her chest.  
"WHO THE QUIZNAK WANTS TO PLAY A GAME ON THE KALTONECKER MK. 3?!?!"


End file.
